NIAW: My Story {part 2}

During this time I started researching. I found a lot of information and a lot of blogs of women with situations similar to mine and different, but all stories of IF and wanting a baby.  In February of 2010, a few months after going off the pill, I went to see and OB/Gyn at the office where my doctor once worked. She got married and moved away, so I went with whoever took my insurance. At first I thought I liked Dr. P ok. I think he ran some bloodwork (LH, FSH, testosterone, progesterone) and an ultrasound to check my ovaries, which were covered in tiny cysts. At any rate he gave me a prescription for Provera to start a period and Clomid (50 mg) to make me ovulate when I was ready.

So I waited and researched and tried not to stress to much as we weren’t really “trying” yet. How can you be trying when there is no cycle and I haven’t actually started IF treatment. But I was scared. Scared of all the eventualities that this wouldn’t work. Or that it would be difficult. Or take years. The only person I knew directly had had multiple miscarriages and two children after IVF.  Even though we weren’t trying, we were because weren’t preventing. There was a part of me – a big part maybe – that was hoping it was all in my head and we would get pregnant in this waiting time. Even though biologically this isn’t possible if you aren’t ovulating. And even though we weren’t trying every pregnancy announcement hurt a little. It’s not that I wasn’t happy for my friends. I was. Thrilled for them even. But it hurt knowing that it might not be me. I think I was scared of the unknown.

I talked to a friend who is an acupuncturist, who also used Clomid for her first. This was a relief to hear that sometimes, it does work on the first try. I started acupuncture and changed my diet. I cut as much sugar and carbs as I could. And then I took the Provera and we were officially TTC. I didn’t ovulate with 50 mg. I called Dr. P’s office and said as much, and got an appointment for the next week. He would not give me an ultrasound to check for ovulation, but said that based on my cervical mucus he was pretty sure I ovulated. I told him I was sure I didn’t and he needed to do something. So they drew blood for a progesterone check (it came back 2) and gave me a prescription for 100 mg of Clomid. Then said to me “your young, just relax, it will happen.” Never, never say to anyone TTC to just relax but especially not if you are the doctor who just prescribed fertility medication. Because relaxing really isn’t going to help. And yes I get that he was likely trying to help me stay calm and not stress too much and remind me that this was early in the game, but seriously, find a different phrase.

A few days later I met with a friend who has decided to live child-free. Isn’t it amazing how I now know three people who’ve suffered IF? It’s really more common than you might think. She asked me why I would ever go back and suggested I just call the RE. Which I had been putting off, again because I was scared of the unknown and scared of making this real, like it was fake at this point or something.

But I called the RE and made the appointment. The first opening was four weeks away. At some point Rob and I sat down and really talked about treatment. We were ok with Clomid. I wasn’t really excited about the idea of possibly having to inject myself with drugs, but we were ok with IUI. IVF however makes me really uncomfortable for a variety of reasons, so it was taken off the table. Rob is not interested in adoption so that was off the table. Rob is fine living child free, he never had the desire to have children until he met me, so while he’s on board with babies, he’s also ok with no children. I could be ok with living child free – I think, so we agreed that if Clomid and IUI did not work we would reevaluate. I had been putting off this conversation because I felt like we weren’t “there” yet and why talk about this until we’re ready to cross that bridge. But seriously, I felt so much calmer after really talking about the pros and cons of possible treatments and how we felt about them.

And what I want to say here to anyone who’s found this post because you are currently struggling with IF: Every decision about what treatment to pursue or not pursue is an individual decision to be made with you and your partner. You will have personal reasons that are your own. So our reasons for not wishing to pursue IVF or adoption are our own and right for us at the time of discussion. We hold the right to change our position on this in the future.