NIAW: My Story {part 3}

We did the second Clomid cycle, and conceived, in a crazy month of travel – if you really want to think about it count back and figure out which trip/city/house where it happened…

This second cycle I ovulated! My chart (basal body temperature) left no question of that. For the first time I had a chart that looked “normal.” Five days after ovulation I met with the RE for the first time. Dr. C was awesome. She looked at my charts, rather than dismissing them. She looked at my records and validated my IF and my stress. I didn’t realize how much I just needed to hear “I know this is really stressful for you.” And then at the end of the visit she said, “I have no doubt that you will be parents.” Dr. C was the first doctor in 10 years who I felt took my concerns about my fertility seriously.  She didn’t dismiss my stress. She didn’t brush it off making it an “easy fix.”

Dr. C did a bit of blood work, including the genetic screening that is standard (I’m not a carrier for anything common!) and said that since I had the known problem (not ovulating) and that Clomid seemed to be working, that we should stick with a minimally invasive plan for the time being. I was given a refillable prescription for Clomid and told to come back in three months if not pregnant. – At that time we would discuss changing the meds, upping the dosage possibly adding Metformin, a couple of other things. And also discuss if running any tests on Rob should happen. I left that appointment knowing we were in good hands and at least for a couple of weeks relaxed that even if it took awhile we would be ok.

But instead of filling that prescription, I took a pregnancy test on October 25. It was a bit early to test, but it was a Tuesday. And Tuesday in 2010 meant kickball. So I took the test because I wanted to know if I could drink. I fully expected it to be negative. But I got out of the shower and there was the faintest of lines. I was a shocked. I woke up Rob and showed him the test and he didn’t believe me at first – but a line is a line. An aside here, he had been out late the night before, I can’t remember why, but I do remember he was not in a very good mood that Tuesday morning. So not the “yay we’re pregnant moment” I had imagined. I just really didn’t think I was pregnant this cycle.  Over the course of the day it started to sink in a bit that this could be real. So on the way to kickball, we bought another test – which I took the following morning. This one was a digital test, so no ambiguity. I asked Rob to look and he said “it doesn’t say not pregnant.”

I called Dr. C’s office and went in for a beta HCG test. I went in for 2 more, the numbers looked great and then for an early ultrasound at 5 weeks.  This was too early for a heartbeat but we saw the sac and confirmed a single uterine pregnancy. At 7 weeks Rob came with me for a second ultrasound. Here we saw our little tadpole with a strong heartbeat. Rob cried. Definitely one of the best moments of my life.

Now I was pregnant and moved to my OB. But although the stress of “can I get pregnant” was gone, it wasn’t perfect. I knew too much maybe, through all of my research and blog reading, I knew about miscarriage and early and late loss. Even though Dr. C said that chance of miscarriage had dropped to almost nothing, in the back of my mind I worried that it had been too easy. I knew women who suffered so much, so why did I deserve to have it so relatively easy, minimally invasive and 2 cycles. I worried I hadn’t suffered enough and didn’t deserve to be so happy. I know these thoughts are not rational. I prayed a lot and had to trust God that this would work out. And that infertility and pregnancy and loss aren’t about deserving anything. Sometimes life really sucks and sometimes we are able to just be happy.

Around 10 weeks I was able to finally let go of most of these intrusive parts and just enjoy being pregnant. I had a good pregnancy. Severe motion sickness wasn’t so awesome, but there was nothing abnormal, no bed rest, I enjoyed being pregnant.  My labor and delivery were traumatic and I had some bonding issues once Simon arrived.  This was a whole other kind of guilt, that I had wanted this baby so much, and worked to get him, and now I was second guessing my wish to be a mom and not head-over-heels in love. But that came. And I can hardly remember life without Simon, because he’s awesome.

Our future…I don’t know. I work really hard to let stress go. And if we had not gotten pregnant, I would have been ok. Simon’s birth was traumatic enough that afterward I said I would be ok with just one kid. And I still would be. But now that he’s 9 months old, I do want to be pregnant again someday. I was on the fence about if I would go to the RE again (twins really scares me) but we’ve talked. And since minimally invasive worked once, we are open to Clomid again. I’m still nursing so that has an impact, but I’m seeing the signs that my body is going to behave the same as always with crazy long cycles and spotting but no period. I have a couple of big school milestones that I need to put behind me before trying again. But when I’m ready back to Dr. C we go. Hopefully it will work. And if it doesn’t we’ll decide from there. It’s nice to have a plan.